Depression: The battle of the Death Eaters within

Print this Article

Pin It!

What does it mean to suffer from depression? The closest way to describe that feeling is waking up in the morning after a full night of sleep, the sun is shining through the window, you go to get out of bed, and you just can't do it. It feels like someone is opening up your chest and putting a 100-pound weight on your insides. You try to get up again but now the pain starts hurting even more and you feel tears flowing down your cheeks. You don't know what's wrong or why.

In my case, I then tell myself “I have a great life, great kids, an amazing husband, and kicking ass at work…so why can't I get out of bed?” Slowly the negative thoughts in my head start drowning out the sun rays and the beautifully framed picture of vibrant yellow-colored roses hanging on my bedroom wall that I love so much. My eyes start to well up again. I desperately try and hide those tears when my husband comes into the room asking if I’ve seen his phone. I clear my throat, “Sorry I haven't, and my eyes are hurting - I didn't clean my contacts properly again and I have cleaning solution in my eyes.” My husband looks at me and says “Again?!?”

I smile sheepishly and put my hands in the air and say, “LOL - what else do you expect?” He laughs and walks back downstairs. All of a sudden the flood gates open and the last bit of energy I had displayed to my husband has fully drained me. I start crying uncontrollably and lock myself in the bathroom.

“Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. What is going on with me? Why the fuck am I crying?”

It's now two days later and I’ve made an excuse to the boss that the migraines have gotten worse and medication isn’t working. I have not showered in two days but luckily it's summer break so no need to leave the house for school runs and whatnot. I tell my husband that I have really bad cramps and need to rest. He brings me a hot water bottle to show some compassion, and I thank him and say I hope to feel better tomorrow. 

My happy carefree self is disappearing… instead, the feeling of being an imposter, a failure, a loser is winning. Doesn't matter how much I repeat my mantra:

I am beautiful

I am smart

I have a wonderful husband who loves me

I have a great job

I am successful

I am stronger than the stone that is weighing heavy on my body

I then start hearing the imposter who is saying:

Your husband doesn't love you

Your friends think you are weak and needy

You don't deserve this life

You should give up

You are not worthy

My husband decides to take the kids out for ice-cream, so I walk downstairs and see a knife on the counter. I pick it up and feel the coolness of the knives' edge across my wrist. I catch my reflection in the window, and I look a mess; eyes swollen and sullen from crying and bags from not sleeping the night before. I hear my husband unlocking the door and I quickly put the knife down and run upstairs. I know I am in trouble and that my depressive state of mind is winning.

I call my sister, but she doesn’t pick up. And as I sense my chest tightening and heart racing, I try two more times. She finally picks up on the fourth ring and I want to tell her why I am calling as I look at the slashes on my wrist from years past. She is miles away and can't just come over, but I still want to tell her how worried I am that the negative thoughts in my head are sucking the life out of me. I tell her that I am stressed and feel really down. She listens and basically tells me that she couldn't understand why I feel that way when I had SO much to be grateful for in my life. She tells me she cannot relate, and that’s when

I say it’s like being attacked by a death eater - like in Harry Potter. JK Rowling described the conflict perfectly…It feels like all of the happiness around me has been taken away and that there is nothing to live for. There is nothing.  

She listens and then says, “That’s silly and you’re being dramatic. Go and see a therapist because you are clearly not thinking straight.”

I tell her she’s right and thank her for listening as I fake laugh. As predicted, not even my closest sister understands or has an ounce of empathy let alone sympathy for me.

All of a sudden the negative thoughts have been multiplied by 10, and now all I feel is:

See, even your sister doesn't need you

She has other people in her life

She doesn't have time for you

Numb this pain

Cut yourself

Or take the sleeping pills that you have hidden in your underwear drawer

The phone rings and it's Lucy, asking if I am okay. I tell her I am, but I know she can tell by the tone of my voice that I am lying. I try really hard to talk in a more cheerful voice and make small talk, and she is listening intently, analyzing…I can tell. So she asks again if I am okay, and I take a deep breath and say, no, I just feel blah and down and I don't know why. She is trying to be helpful by saying the things I already know; about being lucky, having everything, great kids, great job, you’re just overwhelmed, committing to too many activities, take more breaks, and so on and so on and so on. I thank her for listening and trying to cheer me up.

It's taking every ounce of energy in my body to fight the urge to give up. I keep saying to myself that this will pass, it always does, and I have been dealing with this since I was in my twenties.  Before I know it it’s 8pm, and I have struggled and cried the whole day.  I can’t eat or get out of bed. Defeated, I take two sleeping tablets, eat an apple, and go back to bed. I make sure to throw the bottle under the bed so that I can't reach them. I pray for this monster of an imposter to go away. This monster that has taken over my body in times of extreme anxiety, and just before I get my period. Please make these feelings of gloom go away. Please. I am not a bad person.

The next morning I wake up at 6am. The sun is shining and the birds are singing. The weight from my chest is lifted and I feel like my old self again. YES! I sigh in relief and finally take a shower. I wear a cute blouse and comfy capris. I doll myself up too - makeup and hair. My husband wakes up and looks at me saying ‘Wow you look nice, where are you off to?”

I reply “Nowhere - just happy to be home.” I smile proudly, and I am back. I won.

I am Lucy, and the excerpt above is from a friend that suffers from depression. After years of suffering, she finally told me what she has been through, how often it happens, and how long she has felt these deep, dark moments in her life. I have learned that I don't have to understand how she feels because that’s impossible – her pain and suffering is beyond my comprehension, but what I need to do is listen, sympathize, not try to fix it but just check in on her and be there for her so she never feels like someone isn’t concerned and thinking of her. She has a long journey ahead of her and has been trying out different therapies and medications to hopefully have a combination that will work. I am writing this article in the hopes that people can understand the internal battle people experience when they suffer from this disease.

Depression is a chemical imbalance that can be debilitating and is further exacerbated when emotional trauma is a factor.

The feeling can last a couple of minutes, hours, days, and unfortunately for some, it is long-term. There is not a one-size-fits-all that can describe the magnitude of this disease. Famous people like Robin Williams, Anthony Bourdain, and Kate Spade who seemingly have it all fatally succumbed to this disease. It is a killer.

Unfortunately, depression isn’t visibly identifiable making it much harder to see people who have mental illnesses. My advice…please be aware and mindful when someone is sad or struggling, as you may not have an idea of what they are going through, and it very well could be a cry for help. You could be that person to help guide them back to a place of happiness and joy. You could be a lifesaver.

Articles:

Seeking Help and Speaking Out are Brave Acts

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please seek emergency medical care or call the national suicide lifeline at 800-273-8255.