My Peace of Mind
Pin It!While I was married, I had all the worldly things you could ever imagine. A huge 6K sq. ft home, a brand new Mercedes GL 450, international vacations at least twice a year, 4 daughters attending private Islamic school, etc. What was there to complain about? Who would complain? I always felt guilty for acknowledging this, but the missing piece was my own peace of mind while keeping the peace in my marriage.
Even though I completed and received my college degree, I was a stay at home mom for the first 11 years of my marriage. My then-husband didn’t want me to work and since my daughters were young, I decided to stay home and raise them. In this setting, I was completely and 100% financially dependent on my husband. Financial dependency and financial abuse are usually tied together. But being in my 20’s, I didn’t even know financial abuse was an actual thing. I was constantly reminded that the money in our bank account wasn’t ours, but his. I couldn’t pick furniture on my own. If he didn’t like it, he didn’t get it. If I didn’t like it and he did, he would get it. It got to a point where I didn’t even give my opinion anymore. I just said sure and called it a day. Why? Because it was easier than trying to convince him to get something I liked. It was easier to hold off on my opinion because it would turn into an argument. It was easier to just keep quiet. After all, it wasn’t my money.
No matter how hard I tried to keep the peace in the marriage, it was never good enough. One of the easiest ways he would try to break me was through my cooking. I’m not the greatest of cooks but I’m Afghan. We cook delicious food. One day, I cooked a meal and he wasn’t in the greatest of moods. He took two bites, pushed the plate away from him, and got up while the rest of us 5 were at the table. “I’m going out to eat,” he said. In order to keep the peace, I said okay. Once he left, my eldest daughter looked at me and noticed me holding back my tears, she said: “mom, your food is so delicious.” Even my daughters were beginning to see what I tried so hard to hide.
I knew I didn't have peace of mind when it came to my marriage. I was always anxious to make sure there wasn't anything for him to complain about but that was so hard to do since almost everything I did was wrong. It came down to always making sure he was happy and he was at peace. I slowly started to lose myself and who I was. I no longer mattered. My needs no longer mattered. I was invisible.
Hurunnessa Fariad is Director of Outreach for Multi-Faith Neighbor’s Network. Ms. Fariad is also Head of Outreach & Interfaith at the All Dulles Area Muslim Society (ADAMS Center). Ms. Fariad is the Secretary of the Board of Directors at Virginia Interfaith Center for Public Policy, Leadership Circle for One America Movement and involved in many other organizations. Ms. Fariad is the Music Director of America's first Mosque Youth Choir, The ADAMS BEAT. Ms. Fariad is the founder and co-host of the Sister Act Podcast along with co-hosts Dr. Sabrina Dent and Rabbi Susan Shankman. Conversations centered around shame, stigma, rights and social justice issues and how our faith addresses these topics.
