You did it! You got them from 0 to 18 with kisses, giggles, eye rolls and some solid yelling, but you did it. And what’s your reward? Those loveable, freeloading bums are getting ready to leave you, taking umpteen thousands of dollars with them. Those next up have asked me a few times on what to expect, so thought I’d put my own lessons-learned to good use. Good luck, Godspeed and remember, we can do hard things.

Prep & Purchase

1. Keep All Your Receipts

You’ll probably not need to do this for the twin XL bed sheets or storage containers, but that waffle machine is more than likely trash. They won’t use it, take it back.

2. Let the Roommates Coordinate 

My kid knows how to clean and what I expect from her, but she’ll still be out of sight. Having two vacuums in a two by four space is beyond redundant, but having a schedule/agreement on when to clean is not. I will continue to pray to all the Gods that they vacuum once in a blue moon at least. I’ll admit, my husband and I did that first room detox, but afterwards - Jesus take the Bissell!

3. Let Them Settle into Their Space & Then Buy Extra Shit - If Needed

Once accustomed to their dorms, they’ll quickly see what they’re missing, or bought but do not need. Amazon, Target, and all of ‘em are still in business and will deliver to your kid’s dorm. They won’t perish waiting for a 2-day prime package.

4. Hooks, Glorious Hooks

If your kid’s dorm is the cinder block special, those command strips are your best bet. Don’t even mess with anything under 10lbs. You can’t make the room bigger, but you can go up (vertical) and hang on doors.

5. Medicine & Vitamins

Depending on their needs, try to get some backups/refills. A first aid kit with their preferred headache, whatever ache meds are key. For any athlete-moms, braces, ice packs and self-care items also come to mind.

6. Mini Toolkit

Something will break, bend, or need fixing. A mini tool kit with only the essentials will come in handy. Oh, and duct tape–trust me!

7. Take Lots of Pics, Even Sneaky Ones

The before and after dorm pics, the ones where the siblings play fight, or they’re all laughing, looking excited and also lost. It’s all part of this new journey. Sigh.

Saying Goodbye on A High Note

8. Remember: No Means No

They are going to do things we won’t want them to do or told them we didn’t do until we were like 40. #TheLies. But this is where trust + how we raised them + their own sense of self comes into play. They can Uber or Lyft a ride home if they or anyone else aren’t able to drive. No driving tipsy, drunk, under the influence or with others that have crap motives. Text home if money is an issue. Their safety is number 1, above everything, including their grades!

9. Get Names & Contact Info of Roommates

Call me a stalker if you want to. I need names!

10. Don’t Forget Your Siblings

They’ve never known a world without you. Sure, they stole your desert, borrowed your whatever without asking, or snitched on you umpteen times, but miss you they will.

11. Go Out for A Meal Before Heading Home

Invite whoever wants to go, but make it fun and happy, and get them communicating, right off the bat! This should not be seen as the last meal before an execution.

12. You’re Going to Ugly Cry–It’s OK

Just get ready and deal with it. Grab your tissues and a back-up, snot free mask.

The New Norm

13. Keep Your Family Group Text

If I text you, for the love of God, text back, send a GIF–proof of life, something! I get it, you’re legally an adult, but so am I and have been for a minute.

14. It’s OK to Not Let Them Manage Every Damn Thing

Again, they just turned 18 and some are still 17. It’s normal to expect them to do what you know they can, and also to be there to guide them in all other areas. It’s not helicopter parenting; it’s called not being an asshole.

15. Don’t See It as An Empty Nest

Unless, of course, it is. Fill that void with something, anything, until you start to feel less crappy and sad. And no alcohol isn’t that something, well not a ton anyway.

And remember, this is your achievement too! They made it to college, trade school, or a new job WITH YOU. By no stretch of the imagination was this a solo effort on their part-Oh fff…heck no! Remember that, WITH YOU!

Let’s put some more color around this. You’ve just inherited $250 million dollars—no strings attached. Abundant options and decisions are now in front of you. The dream homes and first-class world travel are easy to get, but who are you living and traveling with? In this new phase of your life, who are you being happy and at peace with?  If you have a loving partner, brilliant kids, dog, cat, and goldfish-you, my friend, are gold, much like your fish. You cash that big check, pay the taxes and well, your current life has just had a monetary boost, equivalent to an adrenaline shot. Go forth and prosper, nothing to see here. TW- this saddens me to have to state this, but if you’re in any kind of abusive relationship, lottery win or not, please seek help to exit that situation immediately. Please.

Now for everyone else living in that in-between, grey space-what are your first thoughts or reactions? 

Maybe your circumstances are not so black and white, cut and dry. You’ve been living with the good and the bad, but maybe the bad is stuck on repeat; slowly and systematically eroding your sense of self, or what you can almost recall of yourself. Do you use this newfound wealth to hire the very best professional help? No expense spared to say fix what’s wrong in your marriage, or long-term relationship. You’re prepared to buckle down and find the path to resolve that beyond-strained relationship with a parent, child, or sibling? But are all parties committed to thrashing through past hurts and dealing with the ugly head-on? Do we all have the same end goal of coming back together because there are love and happiness still there, and not just a fabulous home in a great address? 

Or are your thoughts inching towards splitting your windfall, zero hard feelings, and going to your separate corners? Combined debts are no longer a worry, and on the flip side, those overpriced whatever’s that you longed for can be added to the cart with a single click. However, those overpriced things are just that-things. Temporary highs not designed for the long-haul or fulfilling life. No matter how you look at it, in front of you is an opportunity to redesign your life. What does it look like, and who are you living it with?

Making the break could appear like the clearest option. A way for everyone to start over, leaving all that heavy baggage in the past. Well-meaning friends and family offer their opinions on your thoughts of separation, and you listen knowing they are sorely lacking in the facts. Comments on how a decision to call it a day will affect X other people; and maybe you’re being hasty, or worse, selfish. You continue to question yourself. Are you making this decision with your heart or with your head? Is this all about the money? Will your choice change you for the better or the worse? Are you being selfish?

Decisions can be hella difficult. They take time; they zap energy. Some are final, others are not, and more often than not you’re left with a win and a loss. Inevitably, you conclude that the result—whichever way you go—can’t be perfect or even everything that you wanted. But perhaps in sacrificing some part of what you wanted you’ll eventually, hopefully, move that bit closer to a better you.

Still thinking? Or have you made your decision?